This past week I’ve been ridden with anxiety, for many different reason. I finally witnessed against my ex and I realized that my education might not get me a job (maybe I’ve talked about this before?). But foremost, I realized that my biggest dream in life might not come true.

To some, their biggest life dream is a career, travelling the world or better yet saving it. For me, it’s kids. I’ve finally found someone I love and trust enough to have them with, who loves kids as much as I do (or maybe even more, if that is possible?). A week ago I read in three different articles that life as we know it, will be completely gone in 50 years, and within 10 years from now it will have been too late to change it.

By knowing this, while also being aware that people just can’t change enough and that they don’t really want to: I know that having children is awfully selfish. Having children or just one child would be the greatest gift on earth, but to birth one and give them the ”gift” of an unrecognizible planet is egotistical.

I don’t think my life has a bigger inpact on the planet – but on the other hand, it has to start somewhere, right?

Yesterday I decided that three years after quitting a plant based diet (due to medical reasons) I am now only buying vegan products. I still have some yoghurt, condiments, fish and eggs (pescetarian lifestyle) at home that I will finish because I’m a broke*ss student, but after that’s gone – vegan it is.

I think veganism is the ultimate lifestyle, and I’ve thought so since like 5 years back now, since I first learned about it. A vegan lifestyle is connected to heart health and can lower blood pressure as well as free animals, minimize agricultural land use, save water and of course: reduce the impacts of climate change. Doing it to your capabilities wheter it’s buying animal cruilty free products or eating plant based, almost everyone (depending on privilege) can do something for a more environmental friendly and healthy living.

Other than going vegan I am going to do a full closet clean out whenever there is time (there seem to be none). Not that this effects the environment (other than that it already has) but ideally I would like to live more minimalistic and less wastefull. Not saying that my waste goes all over the place (other than fast fashion litterarly hanging in my closet) nor do I buy one use plastic, however my kitchen as well as bathroom have some very disposable products.

I think it’s important to admit to yourself what is do-able and what is not. Some people have illnesses and can not even bare the thought of a plant based diet, some people don’t have enough time which unables them to look at packages for the nutrients while they’re shopping foods, some people live in food deserts and some people, like myself, live on a very strict budget and can’t do great, environmental friendly things in all categories without going bankrupt.

I would love to be able to buy package free cleaning items and reusable pads (which I do have, but not enough for a week). Be able to grow my own herbs & veggies and donate to organisations planting trees (for example) while making the world a better place. I wish I had reusable energy and smart, better, energy efficient technology. - But you know, funds, money, cash – big nono.

We all know the saying ”one person can’t do everything but everyone can do something”. And while that is very true, I believe that everyone can do a lot more.

I know plenty of people around me, who can handle the food, have a lot of time on their hands and don’t have strict budget – that could do this. And actually thrive on a vegan lifestyle.

I believe in you. You can do this. Let’s do this together.

Hey!

It’s been a long time since I last wrote and honestly I’ve been contemplating whether or not I should continue blogging. For a while there, I felt really lonely after moving, filled with anxiety and for the most part – just like a huge failure.

After weeks of coping with loneliness I finally found a place within myself and in this world where everything wasn’t awful. I started working out, hanging out with friends, working a lot and actually not finding motivation to study. But that’s life, everything can’t be right with the world at all times. Last week my school decided to stop the distancing. I got back to school and the days as I knew them got ripped away.

This week, was in one word – horrible. My routine was taken away from me as well as the 2 weeks of holiday in July we were promised (when I was supposed to go visit my boyfriend) and at the end of the week I got awfully ill. For two days (almost 3 now) I’ve been bed ridden asking my body not cough because it just hurts so much every time. Later tonight my mom is coming to test me so I don’t have to go to the clinic tomorrow and accidentally faint on the sidewalk on the way over there.

I have this internal fear or anxiety that physically stops me from doing anything important right now. I almost did not apply for my social security contribution last week. The fear is based upon my employability – or rather the lack of it. When I got back from Italy last year it literally took me one day to get a job and I got hired on the spot. Other than last fall, I have never really dealt with unemployment and in the beginning of August last year I wasn’t even worried. I was looking forward to a few weeks of unemployment because I hadn’t had vacation in a really long time. But now, having gone through half a year of looking for a job – I am so scared of not getting hired at the end of this education to a state where I am paralyzed.

This year is so important and puts a ton of pressure on me, to the point of where I just can’t deal with it and procrastinates times infinity. I am literally so scared of failing at the end of all of this that I am scared of doing just about anything – even things that logically would stop me from failing.

We often talk about the hunted animal having two options – to fight or flight. But there is third, more common response to being or feeling hunted – playing dead (freezing). A response I’ve had since forever, whether it was my ex boyfriend mistreating me or an assignment that gave me a lot anxiety. I just play dead.

I think a job in the industry would really suit me because I am drawn to routines. Whenever my routine is taken from me, I play dead – until I’ve had the chance to make a schedule that works for me. I haven’t had that chance yet. The information in my school is different from day to day. Tomorrow school might start half an hour earlier, but no one really knows because they only told 2 students. The stress of not knowing what tomorrow might look like shouldn’t be there – not in a school where focus should be the education.

Anyhow, next post will be on a happier note.

Lots of love,

Lisa